Wedged

Stuck between a rock and a hard place. Have you ever felt that way? That's exactly where we are right now. We own a house....well, we are paying for a house, and have been for almost ten years now. I'll be blunt. Our house is making us sick. We live paycheck to paycheck. We've sunk several thousand dollars into fixing this dump. But we're still stuck. Insurance will not help us. We have no money to move out, and no more money to fix the situation. I suffer the most as I am home more than the others. My chest hurts. My head hurts. I don't know how much more I can endure. But we still push on. We really need a miracle here. We are not the kind of people who want for nothing. I'm almost embarrassed to ask for help. But we desperately need it. Don't get me wrong, I love the street we live on, our neighbors. I wish we could scrap this place and rebuild. Right. Here. My husband would just die if he read this, because he works so hard and loves this community more than anyone knows. It's hard because he is a volunteer Firefighter in our community. He helps others, not the other way around. But that's just what he does in his "spare time". I give as well to our community through volunteering through sports and classroom time. We are just the average everyday family in our community. But we need help! We work hard and just want a healthy home to live in. Is that too much to ask?

Broken

I feel broken...not physically, but emotionally. There. I. Said. It. My heart hurts because I can't connect the right ways with my 7yo. I envy the families right now who are enjoying every last morsel of summer with their kids, while I am struggling daily with mine, just to not feel berated and abused because we didn't go to the park today. Last night, we had the same argument we've had for a week. Make a path with the toys so I don't break my neck, in your bedroom. I finally flipped out after a three hour struggle to move 6 toys. I kicked the whole damn mess into a corner and listened to 3 more hours of horrible angry words before my hubby came home from  fire training. A day in the life, right?

Contemplations

I've struggled to write for some time, as all bloggers do, I guess. This post leaves me in a conundrum of sorts, as it's a very personal account of what's been on my mind. So, think of it more as a diary writing.

This past year, I've really struggled with the whole "finding myself" situation. A lot of people struggle with it at some point in their lives, I know, but it seems to have hit me exceptionally hard this past year. There are several factors which support this, including me turning 40 in 16 days, being jobless for 4 years, and having kids so far apart in age...one a soon to be Sophmore in high school, one a soon to be 2nd Grader. I am super thankful for my husband who works tiredly without complaint and still quietly listens to all my "problems" of each day. 

However, we are not without our share of troubles, in the whole big grand scheme of things. I've been trying super hard to keep a positive front, but I feel like I've hit my emotional wall with the world lately. I feel like all the balls I've been juggling, are about ready to come crashing down. Some would call it my "mid-life crisis", but it's more than that. I want to do something more, have that full-filling job, be available for my family, and still be able to volunteer as well as full-fill my position with The Gridiron Club. Is that asking too much? As of right now, I have the time to fulfill most of those because I'm not working. And there lies the problem.

Right now, school is about to start. Sports fees, school fees, school clothes (not even remotely the expensive kind), school supplies, bills, the mortgage, a broken garage door, fall and winter fast approaching in the mountains, and our continual mold problem with the house, which is I swear making everyone sick. Feeling trapped while trying to do fundraising for others, when I secretly wish it was for a new house for us. Depressed by the whole situation. And still trying to keep a positive front with our family and the world. Where does it end? When does it get better? I wish I knew, but in the meantime, I'll keep plugging along, taking care of things and everyone, and hoping for a miracle.